my poem about world war 1
can you all help me perfect my poem thanx
The cries of the people around
Fill my subconscious
I see my family laughing
While I am unconscious
My life flashes before me
Visions and all
No hope or no glory
As I started to fall
It started as a struggle
As you must have guessed
A punch and a kick
From north, south and west
My feelings go crazy
The anger the hate
While a bullet hits my heart
As if it were fate
I grabbed my own chest
To feel my heart beat
As the blood just kept flowing
Right down to my feet
I looked all around
Whilst still in pain
The feeling of agony
Like being lashed by a cane
As I close my eyes
And fall deep into sleep
The hatred subsides
As I silently weep
Forum
It's good... its just this line which sounds wrong:
[quote=islam4eva]I see my family laughing
While I am unconscious
[/quote]
It sounds as if they are laughing at the fact that you've been shot, which (I hope) is not what you mean.
Also, rhyming 'subconscious' with 'unconscious' is not strictly an acceptable 'rhyme', because it's really the same word, with a different prefix.
How about using assonance and rhyme 'subconscious' with 'monsters' or 'on us' or something else. And maybe say you think of your family laughing, rather than see them...
But, like I said, it's very good!